Will You Be My Girlfriend?

The following blog may be triggering and/or difficult to read through. With the exceptions of certain profanity that I’ve censored, most of these experiences are recounted exactly the way they are - in the most brutally honest way I could without getting banned for being too vulgar (hopefully).

I hope that if anyone does read this blog from beginning to end, it will raise awareness for the ongoing sexual harassment of female chess players in chess.

(Photo by Joe Cleary on Unsplash)

Dear Alex...

For the longest time I've mostly clammed up when thinking about you. Every time I finally decided to tell someone about you, there was a good chance they simply turned into another one of you. I guess I was just unlucky.

You might be multiple people, but when I think about you, all of my experiences with you blend into one person. I don't know why. For the sake of this blog, I will call you "Alex".

Maybe I've been avoiding you, Alex. Maybe I didn't want to get close to you. Maybe I avoided talking about you to practically everyone, and even to the people I did tell, I only told about parts of you but never the whole. But not today. Today, I invite you to come answer some questions, Alex.

Alex, what would it take for you to know that going on rants about how you hate LGBTQ+ people before asking me if I was lesbian was probably not a good idea, to say the least? What would it take for you to know that telling me to "chill" all the time because it was "just a prank" wasn't a good excuse, especially when you later admitted that you had indeed been trying to make me your girlfriend all along?

Alex, what would it take for you to realize there is no such thing as a "moral age gap"? What would it take for you to realize that "waiting" until the so-called "moral" age gap "disappears" so you can be with me isn't going to do you any good? What would it take for you to realize I'm not being "dishonest" when I point it out? What would it take for you to realize that proposing that someone be your future wife when they had just talked to you about sexual harassment has got to be the worst timing there is, to say the least?

Alex, what would it take for you to realize that I don't owe you anything? Or for you to realize that I don't have to be your girlfriend? Why did you never stop sending death threats and claiming I should never have talked to you when I refused, despite the fact that you had been the first one to reach out?

Alex, what would it take for you to realize that you don’t need to ask me how I “play with myself” when you’re allegedly just bored? Why did you never realize that telling people you’re a safe space for saying such things out of the blue is not okay? When will I be able to tell you that I don’t owe you to tell you about all the things I do to myself (not to mention I don’t even do anything in the first place)?

Alex, what would it take for you to stop calling me a "n****r", or a "b***h" or a "immigrant piece of s**t", or a "c**t", or a "scared little brown turn p***y", among other names as well? How many times must I say "no" for you to stop sending me rape threats? When will you stop insisting that I know I will get raped by you?

Alex, what would it take for you to stop stalking me everywhere? When will you stop living in a delusion where I love you and you love me? Would you stop creating alts to follow me wherever I go? Could I have made you stop joining every team that I joined?

What would it take for you to stop spectating my games, to stop joining every simul I’m in, to stop following me over to different chess sites to proclaim your love for me? What could I have done to stop sending me messages encouraging me to leave my “Japanese boyfriend” (which, I’ll admit to you, he was just a friend I convinced to help me) because you would be the better boyfriend?

What would it take for you to just stick with your current girlfriend instead of pressuring me to be with you? Did you not consider the fact that you would be cheating on her if I agreed?

What would it take for you to stop asking me if I’m “just a grandma” because then you’ll stop “playing the game”? What am I to you? A mouse? And what are you? A cat? Why should I play your game by your rules, Alex?

What would it take for you to realize that "watching my every move", as you insisted you were doing from many VPN accounts, isn't a profession of love?

Alex, what would it take for you to stop playing mind games with me? When will you recognize that I’m not a commodity, a girlfriend to have so that you can brag to your friends?

What would it take for you to stop telling me your dreams (not even fantasies, dreams), and then denying it ever happened, even when the evidence is right there? Could I have made you stop saying things like “I dreamt I put my d**k in you six times and you still wanted more...you’re such a f*****g tease”?

What would it take for you to stop telling me that every time you woke up, your body was showing the signs of arousal because of me, to try to put it in the most refined way possible?

What would it take for you to stop pressuring me for pictures, voice calls, and video calls, even when you knew I could not provide those, even if I wanted to?When will you stop insisting that I was just “crying wolf” when I told you about my mental health? Could you not obviously see that I wasn't lying?

What would it take to stop you from insisting I ruined your reputation when I told other people about what you said? Did you not know it would come to light eventually, whether I said it or not?

What would it take to stop you from consistently insisting I wasn’t doing enough for you, and that I should do more? When will you stop complaining how I didn’t want to make love with you in real life? Would you stop believing that I was the one that seduced you, when in reality, you seduced yourself?

I don’t know why I ignored red flags in the interest of seeing everyone as a good person.

I don’t know why I sometimes saw everything clearly yet still babysat you because I believed that if I wasn’t your target someone else would be.

I don’t know why I always believed it was my fault and that I must be doing something wrong to attract you, when in reality I have since learned that I’m not responsible for “seducing” people or “leading them on”.

I don't know why I'm so upset when you weren't even with me in real life. I shouldn't be thinking so much about words on a screen. And I really, really shouldn't be scared of people that I know would never be able to find me in real life. Why am I caring so much in the first place? After all, nothing here is ever going to affect me in real life, so why am I letting myself be affected?

But there is one thing I do know. I do know that out of the six people that I told stories of you to, only one was on my side initially. The other changed their mind when confronted with evidence, yet the remaining four chose to live deciding that it wasn't true. Sometimes it was because they believed you were too good of a person. You were charming, you were kind, they said. There was no possible way you could have done so. Other times it was because they believed I could have done more to prevent you. They believed that it was my fault, at least partially, for not doing more to protect myself. But it’s the people that sided with you because they believed that what you were doing was wrong, but that what they were doing (sometimes even worse) was correct, because they were doing it “the right way" - these people were the worst.

Since when was there a right way to harass people?

Since when was ignoring “no” a sign of respect for the person?

Since when have we decided that this is all okay? When have we become hypocritical in our judgment of everyone?

I would love to say that I’ve moved on and that I no longer see you. But the reality is that I still see you. I can still hear you whispering at night sometimes that it’ll be okay if I just trust you and let you lead the way.

I would love to say I did more to prevent you. But I didn’t. I believed I was strong enough and that I would be fine. I guess I never really was fine. You had the advantage all along, although you always tried to convince me I did.

I guess I was so focused on answering the question “What would it take?” that I forgot that nothing will really ever change you. No matter how many times I say no, no matter how many times I block you, you’ll come back. Even when you're IP banned, you manage to still come back, not long enough to stay, but long enough to send me one more message.

And even when you don’t come back, you still come back in my mind.

Good game, Alex. Well played.

(Photo by Daria Averina on Unsplash)

Quotes

The following quotes all came from normal conversations. These were said out of the blue. I already quoted some people in the above letter so most of these will be other quotes that weren't mentioned.

(An asterisk next to a quote means I shortened/summarized it to make it easier to read.)

"You like b**bs??"

Why do I have a feeling that telling me how all LGBTQ people have a mental illness makes this question really badly timed, not that there would ever be a good time for it?

"Go to hell...go die"

This was after I refused to be his girlfriend.

"I'm watching your every move, Cherry...I have many VPN accounts but I won't tell you what they are or you'll report them..."

It's the fact that he knows what he's doing is wrong but at the same time still believes that it's respect that makes things bizarre for me.

"I'm closer than your boyfriend...who would want to be with someone in Japan? Besides, you love me...."

No, I do not love you. At least not romantically.

"You have to tell me if you're a Grandma...if you are, I'll stop playing the game"

When I asked for clarification on what "the game" was, I learned that he meant the game of trying to get me to be with him.

*"When you're my wife, I'll love your b**bs. I'll squish my face in them in the morning, and when I'm sad I'll stuff my face in them."

^The original quote was longer but I don't feel like boring you with every single thing they want to do. I'm sure this is more than enough to make a point.

*"I dreamed that you left the house without telling me...so I [punished] you...you cried and screamed but afterwards you were really obedient."

^I actually only learned that I allegedly left the house at the end, not at the beginning, which is why this one has an asterisk.

"Honestly, you make me sad. Why can't you tell me how you play with yourself? I'm a safe space, you know...besides I'm bored."

Bored is not a good excuse.

"You know, I was thinking you and I could role play...I would love to have you as my slave...I could make you all wet"

No, you couldn't!

"Hey, I saw what you said about sexual harassment**...did you ever enjoy it when he [dirty talked] you? You must have, right?"

**I posted a short text once about sexual harassment (not on here).

"What do you mean you don't want to see a picture of my d**k? You'll love it! It's really big"

No means no. And no, I'm not going to magically fall in love with you because I saw some pictures.
(For the record, this guy sent the picture anyway, believing he could force me into "falling in love" with him.)

(Photo by The Lucky Neko on Unsplash)

About The Cats

I know this is a heavy topic to read on, and I wanted to bring a smile to your face whenever you saw a murder kitten :)

That said, I hope if you've read all the way to the end that this does inspire change - I don't know how much more brutally honest I could have possibly made this. I'm already regretting not censoring some of these quotes further. Although I will say, everything listed here is still a fraction of what happens. If I were to name every specific incident, we would be here all day!