Chess Problems We’ve Been Crushing On (Valentine’s Edition)

A heartfelt thank you to the approximately ten people who read my brilliant inconsistencies all the way through. You know who you are. Legends, may the Force be with you!

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Table of Contents
Letter 1
Letter 2
Letter 3
Letter 4
Letter 5
Letter 6
Letter 7
Letter 8
Closure

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Letter 1

Dear Chess Coach,

I am attached to my knights and don’t like trading them. I love the way they move, fork, and dominate on outposts. There’s a nagging voice in my head telling me I should sometimes go for the exchange, but could that really be the reason I’m losing? Do you prescribe any pills to help with letting go? Or should I complete a full knight-unlearning program before deciding whether to exchange it in this scenario?

My Precious Student,

Emotional availability is a chess player’s signature strength, so I would not prescribe any pills. That is a rare and inspiring trait, not a problem to be fixed. On the other hand, your clinging to the knights is truly romantic to the point of blindness, so you need to exercise your ability to differentiate real love from invisible one. It might also be that L-movement and love share the same first letter, so you get confused from time to time. Luckily, in this example, your knight can justify its existence, as its strength beats Black’s bishop’s ineffectiveness. Keep it on the chess ground.

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Letter 2

Dear Chess Coach,

There is a boring chess and the vibrant one, full of sacrifices. I fall into the second category on this 50:50 scale, as I love both, the beauty and the mess, when I enter the sacrificial realm. I invest too much time into perfecting the right strategy in each game, as I just can’t resist the urge to give my opponent the illusion of material gain. However, I noticed that not all my sacrifices are okay, and I am wondering: is this some flaw in the game design, or should I delay sacrificing on e4 with the bishop or knight?

My Precious Student,

You are mistaking being irresponsible with being romantic. Jumping from the bridge each time you want to prove your love is a dangerous ride. The reason you are desperately drawn to the sacrificial path may stem from your illusion that martyr equals love, so giving away your pieces adds the lyrical vibe. There are nuances in the game design you are yet to discover that don’t require you to go all in on a vanishing strike, but to explore the other sides that invite more peace and common ground. That said, you should skip the sacrificial ritual in this example, as there’s a viable option that keep both your heart and pieces intact.

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Letter 3

Dear Chess Coach,

I have trouble bringing all my pieces into play. I love grabbing material early in the game or sending my queen on a romantic trip north, south, west, and east. It just takes forever to finish proper development and bring the lonely rooks into play. Honestly, it’s a drag. I have a feeling that I’m missing some crucial point here, as I always fall hopelessly in love with just a piece or two, expecting them to do all the heavy lifting for me. Look how badly I lost this match!

My Precious Student,

You really made me laugh. Exploitation is not love, so that is the first thing to keep in mind. In order to sometimes win the game, you need to embrace proper piece coordination. While the queen is truly a superstar, she can’t meet all your expectations, which are insanely high. All pieces need to work together so the game doesn’t end in an instant crush. Develop minor pieces first. Tuck the king safely by castling. Bring the rooks into play. Keep an eye on what the opponent is plotting behind their wall, and coordinate your pieces wisely.

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Letter 4

Dear Chess Coach,

I have some serious commitment issues. I’ve been loyal to the English Opening with White ever since the instant crush when I laid my eyes on 1.c4 lines. But I feel like this childhood love drags me down every time my opponent’s preparation meets the predictability of my chosen one. I’ve been thinking lately of switching my opening to the Réti, but I need someone’s assurance that what I am about to do doesn’t mean I am committing a crime. Is there a way you could help this poor man with the decision of where to put his trust in these emotionally turbulent times?

Transposition is a funny chess term that lets you keep your old and new flame intertwined.

My Precious Student,

Change is the only constant in life. What you describe sounds like the English Opening doesn’t excite you as much anymore, but that may be due to the fact that you have run out of novelties in your dear line. So you wish for something dynamic that would stimulate your nervous system, now grown dull. Your inner confrontation tells us that you are guilty of an uncommitted crime, while at the same time asking for reassurance, as you seem to have lost the plot of your love path. Boredom comes because you haven’t explored the English roots deeply enough to become an expert in all the possible lines. If that is the case, I would suggest you stick with your chosen one, just to make sure you are not merely driven by restless curiosity. Otherwise, if you have truly evolved and this is simply not it anymore, please free the poor English from your indecision drama. Considering that your next attempt would be the Réti, lines that suspiciously resemble your previous love, you may simply be romantically disoriented and foolish at times.

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Letter 5

Dear Chess Coach,

I need some serious help with my approach to the game. I love winning so much and just can’t seem to stop going down the same path, even when there is no way to achieve this outcome. I feel alive only when the score lands in my favour and grow bitter whenever I stumble upon the engine’s 0.0 evaluation lines. Winning feels so good that it makes me high each time I close the game tab to celebrate a new victory. Do you think I should practice being more humble and occasionally touching the ground, as I am struggling to figure out whether I should continue the position laid down?

Reasonable question of whether you should continue until you flag your opponent.

My Precious Student,

Your passion overrides your objectivity. You are too much in the winning clouds, so I recommend you step on the plane and drive back to Earth several times a day to form a new habit. You are allergic to equal stakes, as your ego is in an ecstatic trance, but if you want to embrace a bit of the human side, lower its rise and open the healing residence on the ground. In this position, you should beat your self-centered charm and offer the draw, as that is the most sane result.

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Letter 6

Dear Chess Coach,

I am writing you this sad letter in hope that you will understand what I am going through. I have just realized that the game of chess is not equal, and that my opponents want to beat me so hard. Tears fall from my eyes as I believed black and white should be on the same level, two halves that form one. But reality seems harsh, and the friends I thought I had across the board appear to be too thirsty to knock me down. Was it my fault how this game ended, or should I look for another bonding pals?

Hopelessly romantic belief in your rival.

My Precious Student,

The game stopped being equal at move 3. While you should definitely master the chess checkmating techniques, your underlying premise is strong as it is. You are vibrating on the emotional resonance others have yet to fully grasp, as you are absolutely right that black and white should be equal as one. The noisy separation does too much harm, but your altruism lights the path that we should embark on as the glorious future comes. And yes, your circle of friends needs some cleanup asap.

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Letter 7

Dear Chess Coach,

I am in love with bullet chess, and you see, I hate losing, and you know I am trying to get better at chess, but I am playing only bullet, as it is so fun, and well I am not sure where I am going wrong, and I really want to go somewhere better, like break a 2000 online rating, you know it is a dream of mine, and then become the best bullet player ever, so what do you think, how do I improve my chess to become fast enough?

Bullet chess, sponsored by heart racing.

My Precious Student,

You are addicted to speed. Shockingly as it may sound, bullet does not improve your chess, it just helps you spiral more. You probably have similar issues in your daily life. You have no idea what I am talking about, right, and that is a warning sign. We have different interpretations of what is fun, and if you say living on the edge is for you, I trust you believe that your obsession is your true love. If you ever want to go for some cure, detox therapy would be a good try. Otherwise, try increasing the playing time to more than 1 min, and focus instead on having some quality study time.

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Letter 8

Dear Chess Coach,

I have always been impressed by champions and their greatness, so I naturally want to find out what they do to reach such heights. I’d like to know what they eat, how much they sleep, whether they have dogs or cats, what the ideal weight is for chess endurance. Do they do anything besides chess, or is black and white devotion the only path? What do they think of bungee jumping? And what is their favourite credit card? I would greatly appreciate it, as I often daydream about becoming one of those elite stars.

Epic battle in the economic lane.

My Precious Student,

You trust people too much. Those you don’t know are just illusions of your mind. But hey, without such global belief effort, we would not now have champions and stars that we lifted so high into the sky. There is no perfect regime for achieving success, no magical potions or short prescriptions that guarantee you will reach similar heights. I know that metrics and measurements are used to describe life, but I hope you know this is a man-made lie. You are you, and that is your true strength, which will help you figure out whether you should opt for Visa or Mastercard.

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Closure

If you need more advice, each therapy session is 3,456,789 euros priced, so we can discuss where your attachment to chess stems from, or whether your love life resembles Wuthering Heights. All given advice is final, objective, and slightly disappointing.

After we have finished such an exhausting portion of chess insights, now is the time to bring some balance to life. After hard thinking, creativity usually strikes, so I will share with you final epic piece I came up with for today’s special occasion. Warning: the chess is archived, and the true wisdom finally comes. Reading this fake article is optional but recommended.

It was all over the news. Grunting enthusiasm, sparkling gazes, and imaginary bottles of champagne. Love was announced to be celebrated on February 14 from this year onward. Meanwhile, the official declaration of Love Day marked the beginning of long-term monitoring of human rats for romantic performance.

This was the real deal breaker for compatriots of longevity and romantic getaways. Now they had only one day to perform the magic gatherings in peace, as everyone left and right supposedly does when the annual subscription for bonding time comes due. The arbitrary declaration of this important date is followed by mandatory rituals and the groundbreaking dance of gifts and chocolates. The lab conditions were now standardized. The primary control group responded as expected.

Flower shops, existing only for this time of year, finally grow in strength. Hotel bookings and dinner reservations exchange competitive looks as cash registers open and start comparing which ladder of success they’ve landed on this year. The merrier the presents, the more true love is felt and expressed. Like in an enchanted land, engagement proposals land more often around this time of year, as the special occasion is irresistible for future weddings to miss the date. Roaring ecstasy of true commitment. The potion of happiness seems to deliver hard each time the 14th rings its bell high in the sky.

Surprisingly, there are also outcasts. Those who hate joining the streets during the happy 24-hour frame. Gazes down at their popcorn, then up at Netflix. The romantic genre is often in high demand, as being single doesn’t mean the ritual is abandoned. It is merely hidden from the doubles and pairs they would rather not witness live, so as not to trigger despair. Laughter over their exquisite hiding invention often follows, but is interrupted by loud voices from the celebration crew on the adjacent terrace. Murky looks await, as the outcast group just doesn’t understand the fuss. They see balloons of red poking at their windows while their heads envision them bursting into flames.

Time, and repeated observation, revealed them to be a secondary control group. Charming in their absence of delirium, these poor single souls often take secret delight in waging war on those intoxicated by the drugs of Valentine’s Day. Their cells mingle between gross and soapy, so headphones are the saving pal. Who says they can’t also have some fun when day 14 comes. Sometimes they shout: Losers, keep it down!

But lovers and outcasts are both in love. The first is drowning its joy with another human being. The second is quietly kissing the air when Netflix scenes strike the nerve. In both cases, dopamine reaches heaven, while reason burrows deep into the ground. A perfect time for common sense to bark in an empty chat. Like they say, love is everywhere. Accepted whether it’s felt by a six-foot basketball star, a penguin, a jellyfish, or four walls radiating red as February’s danger zone arrives.

Some love only themselves, and that is truly noble. An unexpected variable entered the study. They are emerging stars at the very edge of love’s celebratory path. They shine as poets who carry humble wisdom that quietly waits to reveal how heaven and earth will intertwine. Seeing their reflection in the mirror carries an irresistible charm, urging them to love the display before their eyes. Their mouth whispers: The greatest love of all is the one between me and I. The glorious paradox of dualism shattered into a single point in time.

Repeat trials showed no statistically significant deviation in behavior.

After careful observation and keener interpretation, it turns out loving yourself keeps all those hormones in line. That is how the news interprets data collected from human rats, keeping centuries of hormonal experiments around February 14 intact.

Love yourself, and love shall find its way back! Results pending next February.