Online Friendship PSA

Geez, I never thought I'd be the grumpy boomer but here I am because I just can't seem to shut up.

Anyhow...after seeing the recent forums, I feel like this is warranted. This is online friendship 101. Would it be better as a blog? Sure. Am I full of myself enough to type it on mobile here instead so it reaches more people (that's my way of telling you to ignore my typos)? Also yes.

As your local chronically online keyboard warrior, I have had at least a hundred people DM me over the brief three years I've spent on social media. Many of these people are humans I would happily call friends if asked to. That said, friendship is not an excuse for overstepping boundaries.

I've heard lots of people say online friendship isn't real friendship, and I think this view is pretty outdated. Yes, the two are different; people are still allowed to grieve the loss of online friends the same as their irl ones.

1) Not every friend is a ride or die.

Let's face it, friendship hierarchy is normal and very much real. Try to be everyone's best friend and you end up being nobody's friend at all. People naturally have an inner circle no matter how extroverted they are. In other words, don't try to force your way into someone's close friends group or expect someone to treat you like a best friend 24/7. Some friendships are just fancily disguised acquaintances and that's alright.

2) Nobody owes you 24/7 access to them.

I personally believe that if you're easily attached (like me) and can't trust your friendship decisions, the best thing you can do is giving people a throwaway email. You can still check it and decide to allow them more into your life, but you don't have to worry about them brute forcing their way in.

Just because you are somebody's close friend doesn't mean that they feel comfortable disclosing information that might end up in the wrong hands. (A little reminder that this is not targeted at anyone, more so general observations I have.) Sometimes people don't give an explanation and you just gotta go with that.

3) Criticism =/= hate.

By divine miracle, I have never had a huge argument with my best friend after thirteen years. But that doesn't mean we aren't still comfortable pointing out when something hurts us or when we want to air general grievances. Nobody should need to harrass somebody else simply because they stated their feelings about a particular person. It's pretty weird to be going around acting like it's some sort of age discrimination that a particular forum user doesn't have fans 24/7 especially when a lot of the criticism is literally coming from your fellow peers lol. It's normal that something isn't someone's else's cup of tea. Something a little bit uncomfortable but I think needs to be said: If you don't believe a friendship can survive after one person feels like the other one has disappointed them and voices that maturely and calmly, then that never was a friendship in the first place.

4) Can we quit idolizing people?

Believe it or not, despite never being particularly well known I have somehow managed to both be the idolizer and the idolized so I feel like I'm qualified to speak on this.

I get it. You meet someone amazing, they turn out pretty great on DMs too, and you just never end up noticing how dry the conversation is because you're so obsessed with the fantasy you have of the person. They become almost superhuman...and then one day the bubble pops and it becomes so toxic for both you and the idolized alike.

Coming from someone whose received those kinds of messages? At first it feels fun to be recognized but after a while some of you are legitimately scary. (What do you mean people are trying to fake their suicide because I didn't reply fast enough?) In general, you can test whether or not you are idolizing someone by how often they reach out if you don't/by if you're expecting close friend treatment in a very short amount of time. I'm sorry, but you really don't need this many threads for a single investigation. One megathread would have been enough.

Anyhow I know that's a lot -- and please know I'm not trying to call anyone out -- I just thought I'd brain dump my thoughts on the subject of online friendship as a whole.

Remember that the people you talk to behind the screen are other humans with lives just as complex as your own. Please don't diminish them into icons to obsess over.

I'd like to add something about cheating accusations as well -- I have been accused of cheating before because I had a rare brilliancy in a game. Remember, confirmation bias means that one can always explain away their brilliancies are use them as accusations. Also remember that the accused may not feel like bringing evidence in knowing that once the seeds are planted nothing is ever usually enough.

Until an appeal is complete, I really don't think that a red mark should be considered final or that people should be publicly shamed. On the other hand, it would also be disingenous to suggest that people aren't allowed to discontinue friendships with those they suspect to have cheated. People are allowed to have boundaries, man, leave them be. ;)

cool

Can I add something or no?

Sure, go ahead @pinecone12345678910! It's a public forum :)

Ok being friends does not mean that you are involved in each others lives fully

Yes, being friends does not mean that we actually are friends...

I think it's not a bad trait that I'm never named as a renowned formumer (in threads like "who's the most famous forum poster") despite my 8600 posts

@MrPushwood said ^

Yes, being friends does not mean that we actually are friends...

If you're responding to the post above -- why do you think friends need to always be involved? Even my closest friends don't know every detail about my life and I personally find it creepy when someone acts like that's their right.

@pinecone12345678910 said ^

Ok being friends does not mean that you are involved in each others lives fully

True!