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1 am chess insanity

I was thinking of learning a few openings and even got recommended FCO for it - but somehow my ego didn't allow me to do so and I WENT FOR READING WATSOON INSTEAD - I'm experiencing impostor syndrome since somehow I managed to wing it upto 1500s but I absolutely hate it when my opponent doesn't blunders and my brain screams to be why I had NEVER STUDIED A SINGLE CHESS BOOK YET..

Like I was studying Caro Kann from Watson and I literally spent 20 minutes understanding one paragraph after second move - and he literally mentioned old Indian defense and Scandinavian in the same paragaph where he was making comparisons and I literally felt like a toddler being given a sword - I slam it here and there (trying it on analysis board on lichess after reading - yk split screen since I have pdf ) - It's making annoying sounds and I do think I am doing something but unable to understand it but I feel like I'm doing something and at the same time I feel like I am doing nothing at all.. and it even reminded me of Heisenberg.
Like.. dude even said there was no pawn on c2 and I was here trying THE SAME FKNG THING HE MENTIONED WITH SCANDINAVIAN - I EVEN LOOKED AT THE FKNG DIAGRAM TO SEE IF I MISSED STH HE WAS TALKING ABOUT AND EVEN THAT SHOWED THERE WAS NO PAWN AT C2 - I PLAYED THE SCANDINAVIAN THINGY AGAIN BUT SAW HE WAS TALKING ABOUT THE OLD INDIAN DEFENSE SETUP T-T THERE WAS PAWN ON C2 WHEN HE WAS SAYING THERE'S NO C2 - I WAS LOOKING AND SCANDINAVIAN THINGY HE MENTIONED WHEN HE WAS TALKING ABOUT NO C2 PAWN WHEN PLAYED IN THE OLD INDIAN ONE T-T
Like.. I GOT TO KNOW HE WAS TALKING ABOUT THE INDIAN SETUP WHEN I REARRANGED TO PLAY THE INDIAN ONE T-T

I don't even know what I'm saying atp tbh.. it's currently 1 AM and I feel as if I am hallucinating

AND IT'S NOT EASY TO SKIP THESE SECTIONS SINCE THEY'RE LITERALLY EMBEDDED IN THE PARAGRAPHS AND I EVEN AM UNABLE TO FIND THE BOLD FONT MOVES - HE LITERALLY SAID 2. Nf3 first then he said 2.. d5 - and I'm like "Oh wait that's black's response"

It's like saying.. "Think of a lemon.. but pick an onion and cut it how you would cut the onion like the lemon if the lemon was a potato"

Idk bro what's happening to me T-T

One should always be humble btw T-T

I was thinking of learning a few openings and even got recommended FCO for it - but somehow my ego didn't allow me to do so and I WENT FOR READING WATSOON INSTEAD - I'm experiencing impostor syndrome since somehow I managed to wing it upto 1500s but I absolutely hate it when my opponent doesn't blunders and my brain screams to be why I had NEVER STUDIED A SINGLE CHESS BOOK YET.. Like I was studying Caro Kann from Watson and I literally spent 20 minutes understanding one paragraph after second move - and he literally mentioned old Indian defense and Scandinavian in the same paragaph where he was making comparisons and I literally felt like a toddler being given a sword - I slam it here and there (trying it on analysis board on lichess after reading - yk split screen since I have pdf ) - It's making annoying sounds and I do think I am doing something but unable to understand it but I feel like I'm doing something and at the same time I feel like I am doing nothing at all.. and it even reminded me of Heisenberg. Like.. dude even said there was no pawn on c2 and I was here trying THE SAME FKNG THING HE MENTIONED WITH SCANDINAVIAN - I EVEN LOOKED AT THE FKNG DIAGRAM TO SEE IF I MISSED STH HE WAS TALKING ABOUT AND EVEN THAT SHOWED THERE WAS NO PAWN AT C2 - I PLAYED THE SCANDINAVIAN THINGY AGAIN BUT SAW HE WAS TALKING ABOUT THE OLD INDIAN DEFENSE SETUP T-T THERE WAS PAWN ON C2 WHEN HE WAS SAYING THERE'S NO C2 - I WAS LOOKING AND SCANDINAVIAN THINGY HE MENTIONED WHEN HE WAS TALKING ABOUT NO C2 PAWN WHEN PLAYED IN THE OLD INDIAN ONE T-T Like.. I GOT TO KNOW HE WAS TALKING ABOUT THE INDIAN SETUP WHEN I REARRANGED TO PLAY THE INDIAN ONE T-T I don't even know what I'm saying atp tbh.. it's currently 1 AM and I feel as if I am hallucinating AND IT'S NOT EASY TO SKIP THESE SECTIONS SINCE THEY'RE LITERALLY EMBEDDED IN THE PARAGRAPHS AND I EVEN AM UNABLE TO FIND THE BOLD FONT MOVES - HE LITERALLY SAID 2. Nf3 first then he said 2.. d5 - and I'm like "Oh wait that's black's response" It's like saying.. "Think of a lemon.. but pick an onion and cut it how you would cut the onion like the lemon if the lemon was a potato" Idk bro what's happening to me T-T One should always be humble btw T-T

Congratulations, you’ve successfully described exactly how a 1500-rated player analyzes a Master-level book.

Congratulations, you’ve successfully described exactly how a 1500-rated player analyzes a Master-level book.
<Comment deleted by user>

Now I get it. You are saying that by using ''even'' , I tried to stand superior above all. Stay in your daydreams!

Now I get it. You are saying that by using ''even'' , I tried to stand superior above all. Stay in your daydreams!

@NotMagnusCarlsen42 said ^

"Even" you?

I'm talking in general - half of the times whenever I try to write literally anything in chess forums people react like "Woah look at me" - Like Idk it's such a specific behavior I only notice here. Like everyone is trying to be God in the comment section. Idk what he wrote there, it seems he had edited it.

@NotMagnusCarlsen42 said [^](/forum/redirect/post/131g2SWU) > "Even" you? I'm talking in general - half of the times whenever I try to write literally anything in chess forums people react like "Woah look at me" - Like Idk it's such a specific behavior I only notice here. Like everyone is trying to be God in the comment section. Idk what he wrote there, it seems he had edited it.

@Tomeninja said ^

Congratulations, you’ve successfully described exactly how a 1500-rated player analyzes a Master-level book.

Is it so difficult to understand?? T-T
I know I should have NOT done it. But it's a habit atp - going for the hardest things first. But tbh my brain is even more fried since I am studying pure sciences as well.

@Tomeninja said [^](/forum/redirect/post/TMPPuvb6) > Congratulations, you’ve successfully described exactly how a 1500-rated player analyzes a Master-level book. Is it so difficult to understand?? T-T I know I should have NOT done it. But it's a habit atp - going for the hardest things first. But tbh my brain is even more fried since I am studying pure sciences as well.