Rage, Kindness, and Preferring Lichess

I am new to chess and the chess world. I fell into it two years ago via YouTube, where I became a fan of Levy Rozman's channel, GothamChess. The algorithm correctly guessed that I'd enjoy him; I love watching channels run by people with deep expertise on something they're passionate about. It really doesn't matter what the topic is: old and weird firearms (Forgotten Weapons), physics (Sabine Hossenfelder), how the law/court systems work (LegalEagle). I watched Levy review games and talk about chess principles and chess culture, and I found it surprisingly engaging, even though I wasn't playing the game. (I had played with my dad a bit as a kid (and gotten stomped), and I played with one of my daughters when she was 18-20, but that was about it.)

About a year ago, I got online and started playing chess again, first at chess.com (because that's what Levy always showed) and now at lichess.org, which I prefer. Here's why:

Chess.com, as I experienced it over a six month period, is about half populated with jerks. I quickly learned to disable comms on that site, or people would literally trash talk over the audio feed, like we were teenage boys playing SOCOM. That's why I had chat turned off when I first tried lichess.org; I assumed it would be just as bad. Last night, on a whim, I turned on the chat just to see what insults were posted there, and I saw that the person I was playing (in Canada) had made a friendly comment, so we had some polite back and forth. With my next opponent (in India), I had the same experience. I lost to both players, and this helped me realize the true weakness in my game:

My main impediment to developing skill (from the 500-800 range where I was a year ago, to the 1000-1300 range where I am now) was rage. When I blundered a queen, or lost a game I had been winning, or simply ran out of time, it would really piss me off in a way I couldn't explain. When I lost at poker, it didn't send me into a fit of anger like that. When I was younger and sparred in karate, it didn't shame me to lose (as long as I got one or two hits in), but there was something about chess just flipped my switch. I was seriously thinking of walking away to protect my mental health, and to stop startling my wife when I yelled "F*CK!" and frisbeed the iPad across the room.

After I lost to both the Canadian and the Indian players last night, I felt no rage at all. I didn't beat myself up for being stupid or curse my opponent for "getting lucky." It genuinely didn't matter. I had enjoyed the game and I had learned something. It had been a good experience, overall. In fact, both players offered legit advice on how to play better next time.

I know some people online criticize lichess for being soft on Elo scoring. In my own brief experience, this is true at the lower levels (up to maybe 1000-1200), but at the medium and higher levels (say 1500+) it doesn't appear to be true. I see some advanced players on both sites, and their Elos are often within 1-2% of each other (eg, a 2050 on one will be a 2030 on another, with chess.com having the slightly lower score).

For me, however, the main advantage of lichess isn't higher early-Elo (which really doesn't matter, as it’s all relative), or prettier design (which I like), or even no ads (which I love). It's this: Lichess.org is friendlier.

Being friendlier, to me, isn't just the chat experience. It also means "less cheating." Back when I played on chess.com, every few days I'd get a message that my account had been awarded Elo points because a player I lost to had cheated. That happens maybe once every six weeks on lichess.org (I assume they have a similar tool for detecting cheaters). Even without an automated system, I can tell (mostly) that people aren't cheating here because they're not taking 5 seconds on every move throughout the game, and the Elo 1200 players aren't hitting 99% accuracy (or going from normal accuracy to perfect play when they start losing).

My only complaint -- and this isn't a complaint so much as a realization that I need a human coach -- is that the analysis tools and puzzles don't tell me *why* a certain move is better. Usually, I can see it, but 20% of the time I just don't get it. To get some human advice (and to get out of the damn house), I'm going to visit a local chess club next week. Since it meets at a bar, I expect it to be just as friendly as lichess.org.

I'll let you know.