The psychological difficulty of returning to chess after a break of several years.

Hi. I recently found myself returning to chess after... a three-year break? I had an old account here, but I remember being so upset by a losing streak that I simply deleted it. However, I deeply regret it. There were so many games there that were absolutely unique to me. Crazy queen and two rook sacrifices, positional strangulation... Yes, my rating wasn't exactly high, around 1700 in rapid and classical chess, 1600 in blitz...

However, if you log into my account now, your first reaction will likely be, "So why are you coming back? There's nothing more for you here."

However, the only one asking this question (at the time of writing this drivel) is really me.

I'm asking this question. Why am I here?

I would never recommend falling in love with chess to someone mentally ill. The thing is, chess is simply... dangerous to love, you know. It can destroy an impressionable and loving person if something goes wrong. It doesn't tolerate frivolity, it doesn't tolerate simplicity, and during games, it demands complete immersion.

And what happens when you take a break for a few years? You forget what a one-move trap is. You don't see them. And the worst thing is: you set a clear plan, you develop your pieces, you pore over the game... But you don't see the obvious threat or advantage point-blank. Recently, I didn't even notice that my opponent blundered a queen. I simply needed to take it with my knight in one move... Absurd.

At the same time, there's something incredible about chess. Something that makes you believe in magic, in the power of human thought, and, quite simply, in your own intelligence. However, regaining this sense of belonging from chess after a long break is very difficult.

I'm now at a point where defeats don't hurt me too much; I'm used to being a loser, and victories bring me pain, not relief. Cuz I basically win someone whose ratings is low comparing to mine best one...

Shortly - what do you think about it all? Why are you playing chess and what makes you to wander in their kingdom once more?

Can you produce an artwork or compose a piece of music? If not, chess is the opportunity to create a thing of beauty and crush a fellow human at the same time.
Whatever your age or level, you can always find something new to admire in chess. Be careful, she is a jealous and possessive mistress.

Do some warm-up against maia3 bots and you'll be fine. Start here @maia3-79m_1400

Besides, any rating change is halved against bots so you don't need to fuss about your rating so much.

I remember when I used to play, I was terrified of losing for a while and played against Stockfish, and I leveled up from 3 to 6 (I mean, the ability to play against him without critical difficulties)

I played like that, against stockfish, about a month, and eventually... I had a winning streak of something like 20 wins in a row. I raised my rating a lot then, from 1400 to 1600, right around then. that's was my peak.

but now for some reason it seems to me like some kind of cowardice. This is funny. I actually wrote here more in the hope that someone would be interested in telling me something, since I literally have no one who shares my adoration of chess. Maybe that's reason why I'm so stressed about it. I literally have no one to whom I may send my silly or, opposite, solid game and hear something about it. So everything I have is my inner a critic who endlessly curses and spits at every mistake and even victories over "players below your rating, which was what it was back then".

It's even simpler - I just want to talk to people who love chess. I miss it.

@lizani said ^

Can you produce an artwork or compose a piece of music? If not, chess is the opportunity to create a thing of beauty and crush a fellow human at the same time.

Chess is more of an art form... right up to the grandmaster level, where there's no longer any romance; you just count, think, and learn a variation a hundred moves ahead) (or so I see it)

I don't know. I just love to play, to calculate and find a way to crush my opponent, to attack and to defend. I started playing chess as a young child, played for many years, then dropped it for a while and only started playing again a year or so ago. I've forgotten many things I knew and learned many things I never knew. But I just like playing, win or lose. Though of course I prefer to win... but honestly, I care more about playing well than that. It's a wonderful game... a bit of a mental wrestling match.

@Quasar3C273 said ^

I don't know. I just love to play, to calculate and find a way to crush my opponent, to attack and to defend. I started playing chess as a young child, played for many years, then dropped it for a while and only started playing again a year or so ago. I've forgotten many things I knew and learned many things I never knew. But I just like playing, win or lose. Though of course I prefer to win... bu...

a noble way of thinking. This is exactly how I would like to perceive this game. However, it is true that a chess player begins to believe too strongly in the beauty of his own thought, and if his self-esteem really suffers, then every defeat becomes too personal... And after a break, it becomes really hard not to lose. Especially if you're in the mood. It's a really scary situation when you're playing ten games in a row and this is not bullet.

Bullet too feels awful after a row...

Damnation. I'm looking pathetic... THOU SHALT BE STRONG!

Well, that's what happens when you basically you have no other way to evaluate yourself as a person. You lose, and you basically play until there's neither passion, nor fear to lose. only gut-wrenching desperation...

I am clearly extremely funny cuz well like don't play or look at it more positively, like, well, don't play for all day and you won't end up exhausted and losing a lot??? Yeah, definently.

if it would just be that simple.

funny, but I'm toxic to myself. it's not funny, no.

I dunno what I'm expecting from writing here I'm just wanna talk... like really wanna talk.

@SirIter said ^

what do you think about it all

Chess is neural connections. You played before, which means you still have these connections. They just became very thin. It is enough to spend a month or two to strengthen old connections.