My poetry throwaways

Here's something I wrote for fun, without too much of thought...

From the crypts of my depression I call to thee,
Would you be kind to rescue me
Troubles wash over my cold, broken heart
Could we talk ? I don't know where to start
I know you've always been there
But I'm not sure if you really care

Every moment, every memory, I've begun to ruminate
The dark intrusive thoughts, I've spent nights to contemplate
Viewing our lives through my cynical lens ; oh pardon me !
My tearful circumstances and past induce this moral ambiguity
To question all the memories we've shared
To begin to wonder, if you truly cared

If you're intentions be true
Then I think it's time we bid adieu
Maybe I never deserved, a friend like you
And I'm sorry for the pain these words will put you through
It's etched in stone that with my heart's cold despair
I can never be one for whom, you really care.

Well, as is the trend on this site, rate it out of 10...
And state valid, objective reasons as to why ?

I give it a full blown 10.
My reason?
It's refreshingly bleak and dark
And not a hint of treacle.

@Dukedog
Thank you.
I tend to write stuff that's mostly dark and melancholic. Also, I usually write song lyrics more than actual poetry.
Recently I've been listening to the Arctic Monkeys and the frontman seems to find the balance between being really poetic and finding the right rhythm/tune (the songwriting aspect) as well.

Criticism is welcome. I'd love to hear ways in which I can improve my craft.

Btw, I've got some really good ones (lyrics and poems) on my Notepad, but I'm terrified of online plagiarism as I do intend to make full, produced songs out of these but at the same time, I need some honest criticism without bias.

Is this a genuine concern?

I think it is. Intellectual property theft is a real possibility.

@ZwischenzugX11

As to suggestions,in my own writing I am rather fond of the unexpected twist wherein you create a picture in the readers mind and in the final phrase morph the meaning into something different than that expected.
I also eschew rhyming in favor of the free verse style wherein the rhythm and pacing of the poem is found in the syllabic count and emphasis of the line.

@Dukedog
Got it ! Yeah I agree., That's really cool !
I do have one song that has such lyrics but again, I'm working on the production part and I'm way too skeptical about sharing it online.

But yeah, I will work on that, seems like an excellent, fun concept !

@ZwischenzugX11 said in #1:

Here's something I wrote for fun, without too much of thought...

From the crypts of my depression I call to thee,
Would you be kind to rescue me
Troubles wash over my cold, broken heart
Could we talk ? I don't know where to start
I know you've always been there
But I'm not sure if you really care

Every moment, every memory, I've begun to ruminate
The dark intrusive thoughts, I've spent nights to contemplate
Viewing our lives through my cynical lens ; oh pardon me !
My tearful circumstances and past induce this moral ambiguity
To question all the memories we've shared
To begin to wonder, if you truly cared

If you're intentions be true
Then I think it's time we bid adieu
Maybe I never deserved, a friend like you
And I'm sorry for the pain these words will put you through
It's etched in stone that with my heart's cold despair
I can never be one for whom, you really care.

Well, as is the trend on this site, rate it out of 10...
And state valid, objective reasons as to why ?
There are absolutely no punctuation marks at the end of each stanza. And, your life is lucky. You've got a true friend, but this poem expresses doubts against him. It simply shows that you are not thankful for the friend life gave you.
You need to put your true feelings into the poem, thank God for the good friend you have, not put yourself in a sad desolate position where no one is there for you. That is poetry. 2.5.

@ZwischenzugX11
Well she's got you there buddy .

Everyone knows punctuation is the heart of poetry.

bro its very good