clousems film reviews, mk iii

Bloodmoon (1997):
There are some movies that are just awesome. They may not have a great cast. They may be poorly written. They may be dumber than a bag of rocks. But somehow, someway, they are awesome.

Case in point-- Bloodmoon.
It initially loses points for having Gary Daniels on the cover, but if you can look past that, it's quite awesome in its stupidity.

Bloodmoon starts out with a fight scene between the Phantom of the Hockey Opera (who is obsessed with blood moons) and The Guy With The Stick At The Beginning Of The Mortal Kombat Movie*. The Phantom proceeds to kill TGWTSATBOTMKM, but does so in a helpful, cheery manner, providing life tips as he does so. Keep in mind this was the nineties, when kung-fu serial killers had class.
From that point on, it's essentially "Kung Fu Jungle†", but with the wackiest friggin' dialogue ever written.
Below is a brief excerpt of the dialogue:

Dutch (to his female acquaintance): You find anything?
Killer: She found me... Crutch!
Dutch: The name's Dutch!
Killer: It won't be after tonight....and it's a marvelous night for a moondance.

The killer proceeds to rip out the girls voice box, Roadhouse style
Dutch (calmly, without noticing the violence): Okay, let's dance!

Seriously, who the hell wrote that? Juan Piquer Simon? A dude dressed as the Village People's version of Zorro just ran in and ripped out a woman's throat in cold blood, and we're making Van Morrison puns? Who DOES that?!

Frank Gorshin was in this movie. Why Frank Gorshin was in a Kung-Fu movie in the 90s, I'll never know, but he was there.

There's a black cop sidekick who does... magic tricks? If I'm not mistaken, he was also the black sidekick martial artist in Honor and Glory. Not sure why I thought that was relevant.

Gary Daniels' accent sounds fake, which is weird, since he really does have a British accent.

*Probably not his real name.
† Which is a fairly enjoyable movie as well, albeit without the 90s action cheesiness.

Disney Double: Who Framed Roger Rabbit/Doctor Strange and the Multiverse of Madness

First, let's get it out of the way: That is one hell of a long title. Unless I decide to do a joint movie review of Investigations of a Citizen above Suspicion and Your Vice is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key (a distinct possibility-- I have both on DVD, because I'm awesome and need a girlfriend) this will likely be the longest title.

Why am I watching these two movies? I lost a bet. Same as always.

I'd be lying if I said that my newfound knowledge that Benedict Cumberbatch's mom was the lesbian vampire in Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter didn't make me intrigued in the strange one, though.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit:
Christopher Lloyd (known for such films as "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension-- I'm really capitalizing on long-named movies today) was in it. The idea-- a pseudo-noir based on children's cartoons--was novel. Unlike with "Cool World", I didn't want to rip out my eyes and Brad Pitt's throat.
Unfortunately, I'm not a big fan of that type of thing. Also, Cool World made me hate all live action/animation crossovers (excluding Enchanted, which I thought was a charming movie that deserved more staying power).
The detective was the villain in "Unleashed", so I'll give it 3 stars out of 4.2

Doctor Strange, et al.
(Unedited thoughts posted while watching, not at the end. This will give people some insight into my thought process)
Why did I watch this movie, if I am unabashedly anti-Marvel?
Sam Raimi. That's why.
If you don't know who Sam Raimi is, then you should be ashamed of yourself. Apologize to Sam Raimi for your ignorance!

No rape-trees thus far, which is probably a groovy thing, considering the target audience.
Rachel McAdams was in the movie, which was totally fetch. At some point, though, we have to ask ourselves: is it more impressive to have been in a Marvel movie, or to not have been in a Marvel movie. I myself was used as the model for Howard the Duck in his appearance in Guardians of the Galaxy, Volume I, for example, thanks to our similar physiques.

While I'm on the subject of Marvel actors, let us all take a moment to realize that Jeffrey Combs is the only true Dr. Strange (or Morbius):

https://i.imgur.com/Y1XRFVy.jpeg

Jeffrey Combs, best known for his role in Reanimator and for being the entire cast of Star Trek: Deep Space 9

Sorry about that digression. In addition to being a Raimi fan, I'm pretty fond of the work of Brian Yuzna, for obvious reasons.

Anyways, they revealed multiverse stuff was happening. Big f---ing deal, Marvel. Edgar Rice Burroughs probably thinks your scifi/fantasy trope was overused.
In retrospect, I probably should've expected that, but look at how long that title is. I don't have the attention span to read the whole thing! Screw you and your hatred of ADD-afflicted persons, Marvel!

I'm not sure why one of the Olson twins is here. I'm really unsure as to what happened to the other Olson twin. I thought they were inseparable.

I may have missed something in the whole Marvel canon. For example, I have no idea what the fuck a time stone is. Is it like a metronome? A clock? A medical condition? Why did Dr. Strange, MD give Thanos one? Was it his birthday? Where did Dr Strange get one? Hot Topic? Nordstrom? Anthropologie? McDonalds? StubHub? Heinz Stadium? The Tower of London? A drug dealer?

Who are the Wizard Ninjas?

Do superheroes often get hit by passing airplanes?

Did Dr. Strange say that the Wizard Ninjas live in Savatage? If so, I automatically give this movie 10 stars out of 5.

I like the magic swirly things. I don't know what they do, but they're cool.

What does the witch actually do?

At about half an hour in, I'm one hundred percent gobsmacked. They're just shooting the magic red lady with magic stuff that apparently doesn't do anything. Why do the Wizard Ninjas not just get themselves some gats and pop a cap in her ass? That's what I did when I became a vigilante. You'd be surprised how effectively a cap in the gluteus maximus prevents someone from continuing his criminal activities. Ass-caps hurt.

I am glad that Raimi gave us horror aspects to distract me from absurd questions and thoughts about llama knights and how the Notebook was porn.

I'm pretty sure Ashley Olson's hat is made of licorice. It's both decorative and a tasty snack. The utilitarian in me loves that. Did Mary-Kate make that for her?

Oh. My. Gosh. I think they stole the plot of the Jet Li movie "The One", featuring Jason Statham. It's a little weird that neither of them have appeared in Marvel movies yet.

BRUCE CAMPBELL IS HERE! HUZZAH! THE MOVIE IS WORTH IT!

Marvel really needs to stop referencing every other Marvel movie. I'm very confused.

Reality it is a lie
The briefest dream before I die
To comprehend the cosmic scheme
See the truth behind my dream
Look out for me
Let's trip on L.S.D.
Look out for me
D.S. look out for me
Rocky's gold, leb is red
Black goes right to my head
Mushroom tea, a toke of weed
Amphetamine is real good speed
Look out for me
Come have some mushroom tea
Look out for me
D.S. look out for me

Marvel's movie universe is my street address.
I live on 616 ___ Street

In the immortal words of Boromir, they have a cave troll

They are guards and they are soldiers. They are not Ultron-tomato-men

Is that the guy from The Office? What in the name of John Saxon's left arm is he doing here?

Hehehehe... they gave Professor X the roller-coaster cab from the 90s cartoon.

The greatest villain in the Marvel universe is one of the girls from Full House.

Oh, great. Another secret organization that makes the difficult decisions. How wonderful.

"You've possessed an innocent woman, but you can still do the right thing" might be one of the worst lines ever written for film. "Pazuzu, you're better than this! Get your shit together" would have been my version.

These people shout a lot.

Well, this is certainly the most graphically violent Disney movie I've seen. Did Mickey Mouse give his seal of approval for that bifurcation?

Lines of speed on a mirror face
Sniff it up through a biro case
Heroin is for the hero
It's a killer, you gotta say no
Look out for me
Let's trip on L.S.D.
Look out for me
D.S. look out for me
Turn to drugs to free my mind
Just to see what I would find
Tabs are great, now ask the drummer
Smack my friend is just a bummer

They stole the doors from Get Smart, apparently
Still no rape-trees

Is Ashley Olson's superpower that she can light people's hair on fire? Did she do Michael Jackson?

He's waaaalking a stairway to heaven...

Okay, the music battle is kinda cool

And now we have Deadites. Only half an hour left, but Deadites is good.

So... the big evil Olson is defeated by punches and a stern talking-to?

In all, meh.
2/5 stars for the deadites and Raimi.
Watch Evil Dead instead. But not the remake.

Cannibal Ferox:
I was not intending to watch, much less review, this movie. It was on my list of movies that I never wanted to watch-- I don't like cannibal movies, and I especially don't like movies that film the killing of animals for shock value*. However, it appears as though there was a mix-up at the second-hand video store where I procure my foreign films, and so, instead of the actually classy film "Illustrious Corpses", this is what I got. Nuts.

This was the second Italian Cannibal movie I've seen. I can't remember the name of the first one, but it had Stacy Keach, of all people. It was weird.

I had slightly higher hopes for this one, because I've seen some solid gialli by Umberto Lenzi. I am a very lonely person, evidently.

This movie did NOT star Stacy Keach, which is weird, because this was the one that started with a murder in a NYC apartment.

The characters were hilariously stupid. One of them was whining about the lack of nightlife in a rainforest. Plus, the acting was terrible-- methinks Lenzi wasn't a fan of second takes.

The film centers around three stupid people who travel to an island to determine whether or not cannibalism ever existed. Now, I'm no anthropologist, but I think their research methods could've been a bit more comprehensive. Their supplies certainly could have been more comprehensive-- they embarked with a satchel full of whiskey and an aardvark**.
Alas, their trip takes a turn for the worse when their Jeep breaks down after a 5 minute drive inland, and they are forced (?) to journey further into the jungle. They then happen to encounter two Americans who are escaping from cannibals. As one does in these situations (clousems calls these cannibal encounters "Thursdays at the office"), the group proceeds to snort cocaine and down booze. Turns out these chaps-- Mike and Joe-- are a couple of polite coke smugglers-- well, one was polite, Mike was polite for a few sentences, and then inexplicable became a jerk-- who have escaped from a cannibal village. Naturally, the cocaine smuggler who has been held in a cannibal prison for the past month is elected the leader, and they all try to go to the river.

On their way, they happen to end up back in the village again-- not sure why-- and they find the cannibals, who don't really do much. They do have a dead body on a stick, but they aren't actually eating it, so they're evidentially pretty bad at their jobs. Then, it's revealed that the "cannibals" were actually pretty hospitable chaps before Mike became a complete d-bag and started torturing/murdering the natives, which is bound to piss anyone off. It turns out that Mike also cheats on his wife, but that's beside the point.

From there, it pretty much just becomes a gross-out exercise. It's admittedly very good gross-out, but gross-out doesn't interest me.

0.5 stars for the unintentionally hilarious delivery of the line "...and then they... ate his genitals", but minus 2 full stars for real violence against animals puts it at -1.5 stars.

*Yes, children, there's a reason for the "No animals were harmed..." in the credits these days.
**That's not a joke, by the way. That's seriously what they were hauling in their Jeep.

@clousems said in #21:

Gary Daniels' accent sounds fake, which is weird, since he really does have a British accent.**

**Not all that surprisingly...

Sounds like maybe the director demanded an American who could do a British accent, but couldn't get one to work cheap enough so he settled for a Brit imitating a Yank imitating a Brit.

Jupiter Ascending:

Channing Tatum plays a jacked space leprechaun.

Lightyear:
I question the need for this movie, seeing as how we already had a fairly kickass animated TV show based on the character from a time when originality was Disney's specialty. Yet, here we are, in a world where, rather than making an actually enjoyable 2D animated film like they used to do, Disney prefers to release unnecessary CGI spinoffs of their glory days while feeling comfortable that any lost revenue will be made up in their next movie, regardless of quality.

I blame their acquisition of Fox, since Fox owned both the Die Hard and Predator franchises. A comparison for you Predator fans: Disney unkillable franchises are the Alien in AVP Requiem that spawns from the dying corpse of the Predator.

With that gruesome picture in your minds, lets discuss this lighthearted children's movie based on a beloved character.

Buzz Lightyear not being voiced by Tim Allen or Patrick Warburton is wrong. Additionally, the tone set by the cartoon was completely undone. Damn you, Disney, for ignoring your roots in a movie designed to profit from your roots! Where's Commander Nebula? Where's Mira Nova?

Usually, judging characters based on sexuality is not something I do. I realize that there are people of differing sexualities, and modern movies finally accept this. But there's a difference between accepting something and pandering so hard that plot holes emerge. Lesbian main characters in roles of importance were not a thing in 90s children's movies. I'm not making a judgement call on whether or not they SHOULD have been a thing in 90s children's movies, just stating an observation here. Seriously: name 1 90s children's movie with a lesbian manager. If you're gonna say a movie was the inspiration for a character who saw the movie in theaters, you need to respect the time parameters under which the character saw the movie. It's the entire basis for the spin-off. Furthermore, the anachronistic lesbian character in a children's movie gets pregnant while marooned, which raises a whole lotta questions surrounding time management. Either she was bisexual-- in which case she CERTAINLY would not have appeared in a 90s children's movie-- or the abandoned space crew decided "fuck it, we're gonna pretty much entirely give up on returning home and reallocate our resources from research to the establishment of a fertility clinic to increase our population that is most likely doomed, seeing as how we are living on an allegedly hostile planet". It's things like these that, while seemingly minor, bug the living daylights out of me.

Also, Commander Nebula was an angry old white guy with a peg leg and mustache, and he's the only true Star Command commander.

Sox the cat was awesome.

Another punch to the gut of continuity was the evil clone angle. Come on, Disney. You set Zurg up as a hilarious Darth Vader parody in Toy Story 2. Why you gotta ruin that?

This movie really lacked the magic of earlier Disney movies, in what is becoming an unfortunate trend.

It does, however, gain points for referencing Event Horizon, of all movies.
However, it loses these for bonus points for having 3 post credit scenes.
2.5/5 stars.
This saddens me, because I really wanted to like it. Buzz Lightyear has always been an awesome character.

Messiah of Evil

After going through a bunch of Disney dreck, I found myself wanting to watch a movie that wasn't ridiculously overrated. Preferably, something horror-oriented, since that's the furthest genre from Disney (with the possible exception of erotica, but we all know my views on that).
Enter this movie, that I totally didn't find while imdb fishing.

This was the perfect movie for this situation. The plotline is paper-thin (I'm pretty sure it was based off of a Cliffs Notes version of Shadows over Innsmouth), the production values weren't the greatest, the characters were a bit random (there was a kindly travelling gigolo storyteller who establishes squatters rights 20 minutes in)... and yet, it worked. I'm not entirely sure how, but I really liked it.

It wasn't particularly original, but it had a spooky vibe, surprisingly likeable characters (like the kindly travelling gigolo storyteller), and no delusions of being better that it was, and never tried to use its budget to make up for a lack of substance.

3.2/4 stars

(Trivia time: the writers of this movie were also responsible for the following screenplays:
Radioland Murders
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
Howard the Duck
American Graffiti)

Night Killer (1990)

It's difficult to convey how bad this movie was. Not because the words don't exist, but choosing the right way to emphasize the badness is a daunting task. Do I discuss how the film was a collaboration between Claudio Fragasso (the director of Troll 2, a film best remembered for a scene of a child saving the day by urinating on magic stew) and Bruno Mattei (the director of Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror, a film best known for casting a 26 year old dwarf in the role of an 8-year old to avoid censorship)? Do I mention that the hero is pretty much some d-bag who violently and aggressively catfishes his own wife as part of a police sting operation so she can remember a serial killer, on the recommendation of a renowned psychiatrist? Do I talk about how the killer's MO is to dress up as Freddy Kruger and punch holes in random attractive women like an angry, drunk Riki-Oh at a fashion show? Do I mention the scene in which a prostitute conversed with the costumed villain about her grandmother's "big schlong"? Do I elaborate on how the female protagonist was always armed with a handgun, yet only used it once despite being attacked on five occasions? Should I recount a scene in which the hero tried to drown the heroine to prevent her from overdosing on Valium?

Let's just put it this way: on my 5-star scale, it earns cos(x) ovals. I honestly don't know how to properly rate its badness.

The (?) Incubus

There are some movies that are defined by a harmonious pairing of classy actors and accomplished musicians musicians. For example, A Star is Born (Judy Garland and J̶a̶m̶e̶s̶ ̶M̶a̶s̶o̶n̶ John Saxon). There's also A Star is Born (Kris Kristofferson and Barbara Streisand). And A Star is Born (Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga). Strangely enough, the first version of that movie did not have a singer. I've proudly seen none of them, so I couldn't tell you why that change occurred. Are they even musicals?

Anyways, it's high time we give Incubus the respect it deserves for creating one of those immortal pairings of acclaimed actor and respected musician. Specifically: John Cassavetes and Thunderstick.

Few actors have shown quite the range of the immortal* Thunderstick (drummer for NWOBHM band Samson)-- even Imdb can't spot him in this movie. But he's there, alright. At 53:43 seconds, he pops up in a movie within the movie. (The name of the movie in the movie is "Biceps of Steel", in case you're wondering, and they only show the second half, which completely ruins the plot-- how is the audience supposed to know that Thunderstick is a playing a Samson roadie with superpowers?) Sure, Bruce Dickinson gets more screen time and does a great job playing a heavy metal whack-a-mole head, but he gets enough attention already, what with him being the front-man for one of the most iconic bands in history.

Cassavetes does a decent job, but he's no Thunderstick. Overall, the acting is surprisingly good for this type of movie. Decent cinematography as well

The plot is a little...meh. It's very 1980s Italy, which is weird, since the film is Canadian.
The film oscillates between being incredibly boring and relying too much on shock horror, which gives one a bit of whiplash.

2/5 stars.
I recommend watching "Biceps of Steel" instead, since it contains all the Samson parts and none of the rapey-demon garbage.

*Full disclosure: I'm not sure if he's still alive, so he might be mortal after all. Then again, I'm pretty sure any drummer can just put on a mask and call himself Thunderstick, so he may be more of a concept than a person.

Solarbabies:

Have you ever thought to yourself: I'd like to watch Mad Max, but I'd also like it to have a lot of field hockey and fewer cars?

If you have, then Solarbabies is the movie for you.

The plot of the movie is fairly straightforward: A group of post-apocalyptic orphans discover a magic sentient rubber ball named Bo D. (possibly a reincarnation of Bo Derek) that can make rain happen sometimes; break out of their orphanage with no real goal on their rollerblades; lose their ball; see the ball turn into a thunderstorm, a comet, and the power of love simultaneously; and end happily ever after. There's also a Native American guy who controls birds, but I'm not entirely sure what he does.
I'm not entirely sure what anybody does, actually.
c/4 stars