As you all know, I love me some good 1970s Italian giallo films. They've got everything you could ever want in a film: gratuitous violence, gratuitous nudity, gratuituous voice dubbing of people already speaking English, pretty colors, some semblence of a mystery, and gratuitous violence and nudity.
The other day, I managed to procure a large quantity of these films from my local dvd store (not to watch them, mind you, but because I'm pretty sure I can double my money on these things). I needed a place to brag, but then I realized "nobody gives a $#!+ about my giallo purchases." So, I decided to throw it into a thread about me reviewing obscure movies, since I can't think of any movies more obscure than "The House of the Laughing Windows" or "The Bloodstained Shadow". Feel free to ignore this thread and any other postings in this forum.
If you ever wanted to see a movie that felt like a mix of George Romero's zombie flicks and an episode of Scooby-Do, look no further than "Ghost Galleon" (1974).
What's the film about?
Two girls get lost in the middle of the ocean (as tends to happen when you send two models out to fend for themselves in the Atlantic with nothing but a motorboat and some supplies) and encounter a galleon (looked more like a caravel to me, but I'll give Mr. Ossorio the benefit of the doubt) in a spooky fog. One of the models boards the galleon with a grappling hook, as one does in these scenarios. She is never heard from again.
Well, that's not entirely true. She does scream for quite some time, which disturbs the other girl, who is trying to take a nap. At this point, I would like to assure the reader that the preceding sentence was not a joke.
Anyways, the modelling agency who marooned the girls realizes that it was probably not the best plan for a publicity stunt, and decides to go rescue them. Unfortunately, nobody knows where they are. Fortunately, the director forgot about this fact, and thus the story continues.
A group consisting of modelling agency executives (one of which is played by the professor from Pieces, which will definitely be getting a review in this thread soon), a smarmy guy who looks vaguely like Kevin Dubrow, a meteorologist, and the girlfriend of the model who was trying to get some sleep arrive at the magical ghost ship to search for them. They do annoying things, until the zombies mercifully kill one of the party, thus sparing the audience further annoyance.
It should be noted that these zombies are not only slower than an inebriated turtle, but are also blind. They are, in the words of the Great Gonzo, "visually challenged fiends". This means that between the start and the end of the zombie attacks, the viewer has time to put on, say, Yakety Sax, enhancing his appreciation of the film immensely.
Eventually, the heroes figure out that the zombies are zombies, and the zombies stumble around and kill another one of the heroes. The meteorologist happens to have some experience as an exorcist, however, and starts burning crosses all over the ship. Perhaps the zombies don't like racists, because it actually worked for quite some time, buying the protagonists enough time to escape.
Unfortunately, the protagonists forgot to tether their boat to the caravel.
After some more shenanigans, they decide to chuck the zombies overboard, set the boat on fire, abandon ship, and swim to safety.
Eventually, two characters make it to shore, but the zombies (being zombies) didn't drown, and track the survivors down.
Review: The atmosphere was overemphasized, making the whole movie feel vaguely like Scooby Do. The acting was terrible. The plot line was even worse. The characters were unrelatable.
4/4 stars.
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