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clousems reviews films you've probably never heard of, nor care about, mk ii

Film: Dip Bin (1979, Hong Kong, Tsui Hark)

People have long been afraid of other animals, and this fear shows up in film quite often. The Birds, Cujo, Brotherhood of the Wolf (trust me, I'll be getting to that one in a later post), The Bat, etc. etc.

In 1979, terror had a new form: Killer Butterflies!

Yes, you read that correctly. The English title of the film is "The Butterfly Murders", and it's a strange one to say the least.

Plus, it is a fusion of the two wackiest film genres of all time, wuxia and giallo. The only thing that would make it stranger would be Bollywood-style music sequences spliced in.

Anyways, from what I could tell, this is a movie about some guy wearing what appears to be either a kendo training suit or a Power Rangers villain outfit killing people with a combination of explosives and kung-fu and blaming it on... butterflies. Yes, butterflies.
In his defense, the butterflies do some serious carnage to a couple of warriors at various points in the film, so his frame-up isn't as bad as it sounds. But still, the guy frames butterflies for wiping out a martial arts clan in 1600s China.

4/4 stars for daring to combat the modern PC perception of butterflies.

Film: Dip Bin (1979, Hong Kong, Tsui Hark) People have long been afraid of other animals, and this fear shows up in film quite often. The Birds, Cujo, Brotherhood of the Wolf (trust me, I'll be getting to that one in a later post), The Bat, etc. etc. In 1979, terror had a new form: Killer Butterflies! Yes, you read that correctly. The English title of the film is "The Butterfly Murders", and it's a strange one to say the least. Plus, it is a fusion of the two wackiest film genres of all time, wuxia and giallo. The only thing that would make it stranger would be Bollywood-style music sequences spliced in. Anyways, from what I could tell, this is a movie about some guy wearing what appears to be either a kendo training suit or a Power Rangers villain outfit killing people with a combination of explosives and kung-fu and blaming it on... butterflies. Yes, butterflies. In his defense, the butterflies do some serious carnage to a couple of warriors at various points in the film, so his frame-up isn't as bad as it sounds. But still, the guy frames butterflies for wiping out a martial arts clan in 1600s China. 4/4 stars for daring to combat the modern PC perception of butterflies.

OK, challenge for you. Might be on YouTube. If you can watch the film Frog Dreaming [in the US called the Go Kids] [1986] , I went to the quarry when that part of the film was about to be shot. I spoke to the director and he explained to me how the scene with the monster rising from the quarry was going to be done. He had all sorts of massive pulleys and props set up exactly where it happens in the film.

Almost forgotten about as a film apart from getting a run sometimes on community TV here in Oz. Interesting point to note is that it starred Henry Thomas who of course was in ET. A pity because it did tackle themes like Australian Aboriginal mythology that films rarely get into.

OK, challenge for you. Might be on YouTube. If you can watch the film Frog Dreaming [in the US called the Go Kids] [1986] , I went to the quarry when that part of the film was about to be shot. I spoke to the director and he explained to me how the scene with the monster rising from the quarry was going to be done. He had all sorts of massive pulleys and props set up exactly where it happens in the film. Almost forgotten about as a film apart from getting a run sometimes on community TV here in Oz. Interesting point to note is that it starred Henry Thomas who of course was in ET. A pity because it did tackle themes like Australian Aboriginal mythology that films rarely get into.

Film: Pieces (some Spanish movie from the 80s)

Oh dear lord. Where do I begin?
Well, for those of you who, like myself, are too young to recall the 80s, they appear to have been a mystical time, filled with strange hair and cheesy movies. In Pieces, both are relevant.
Pieces is about a nerdy, perm-sporting college student named Kendall, who is, for reasons unbeknownst to the audience, lead investigator in a serial killer case. This killer runs around some college campus in Boston with a gahdam chainsaw (which seems like a poor choice of weapon when you're sneaking up on people) and...well, you get the picture.

But what I can only hope to convey is the sheer inanity of some of the events in this film. I'm not making any of the following up:

At one point, a freakin' kung fu teacher jumps out and attacks an undercover cop in the middle of the night at a college.
Someone gets killed by the tiny net on a pool skimmer. She doesn't get choked with it, mind you. The killer gently places it on her head and she just kinda dies.
The killer, chainsaw in hand, gets on an elevator with his victim, who proceeds to make polite conversation with the chainsaw wielding, trenchcoat wearing guy at a women's dance hall at 2:30 in the morning.
The library has a swimming pool.
Kendall serves as the bodyguard for a policewoman who quit the professional tennis circuit because she got paid better as a desk clerk at the police station.
The pool room has a waterbed.
Christopher George is in this movie.
The killer looks suspiciously like Mr. Bean
The movie ends with Kendall getting his (censored) punched off by Frankenstein's monster

A warning for anyone brave enough to go down the Pieces rabbit hole-- it's super violent, has quite a bit of nudity, and is generally inappropriate for all ages. If you're under 18, don't watch.

Film: Pieces (some Spanish movie from the 80s) ------- Oh dear lord. Where do I begin? Well, for those of you who, like myself, are too young to recall the 80s, they appear to have been a mystical time, filled with strange hair and cheesy movies. In Pieces, both are relevant. Pieces is about a nerdy, perm-sporting college student named Kendall, who is, for reasons unbeknownst to the audience, lead investigator in a serial killer case. This killer runs around some college campus in Boston with a gahdam chainsaw (which seems like a poor choice of weapon when you're sneaking up on people) and...well, you get the picture. But what I can only hope to convey is the sheer inanity of some of the events in this film. I'm not making any of the following up: At one point, a freakin' kung fu teacher jumps out and attacks an undercover cop in the middle of the night at a college. Someone gets killed by the tiny net on a pool skimmer. She doesn't get choked with it, mind you. The killer gently places it on her head and she just kinda dies. The killer, chainsaw in hand, gets on an elevator with his victim, who proceeds to make polite conversation with the chainsaw wielding, trenchcoat wearing guy at a women's dance hall at 2:30 in the morning. The library has a swimming pool. Kendall serves as the bodyguard for a policewoman who quit the professional tennis circuit because she got paid better as a desk clerk at the police station. The pool room has a waterbed. Christopher George is in this movie. The killer looks suspiciously like Mr. Bean The movie ends with Kendall getting his (censored) punched off by Frankenstein's monster ---------------------------------------------------------------- A warning for anyone brave enough to go down the Pieces rabbit hole-- it's super violent, has quite a bit of nudity, and is generally inappropriate for all ages. If you're under 18, don't watch.

I'll make sure to watch it when I get older.

I'll make sure to watch it when I get older.

Phantom of the Opera (1998)
Note: another "don't watch till you're 18" movie. A good portion of the movies that I will be reviewing fall into that category.

No, not the Lon Chaney one. That one is one you should watch.
Nor is this the Gerard Butler one that induced my phobia of chandeliers.
This is the Dario Argento one, with Julian Sands and Asia Argento. I actually did a mini-review about this one in a rambling some time ago, but here's a more in-depth look at it.

Now, for those of you who've read my posts, you know that I'm kinda obsessed with Dario Argento. I consider Deep Red and Suspiria to be two of the most brilliantly filmed movies of all time, and Bird with the Crystal Plummage is a classic. I even like Sleepless. But Mr. Argento kinda took an Adrian Brody-sized nosedive (kudos to all of you who fully appreciate that joke) after making a film called Opera, which some attribute to the MacBeth curse.

The lowest point of this nosedive was Phantom of the Opera, a movie that I actually procured because I confused it with Opera. I was, to put it mildly, gobsmacked by what I saw.

The most memorable aspect was the rats (which is never a good sign for a movie). For some reason, rats were a major part of the film. "Ratboy: the Story of Julian Sands" would've been a more apt title, as would "Magic: the Gathering Cosplay Convention" (see diagram 1).

https://i.imgur.com/7ELuoRx.png

Anyways, the rats. Now, one would think that a horror story that has been adapted into not one but two iconic films would have enough thrills to captivate the audience, but we were apparently, mistaken. Not even the addition of a rat subplot made this movie watchable.

Yes. A guy makes a rat lawnmower to kill rats in the basement of an operahouse. He eventually dies in a rat lawnmower crash, which was caused by Vampire Ratboy's shenanigans. It should be noted that this crash destroyed what I can only assume was, at the time, the world's first and only self-propelled four wheeled vehicle with a combustion engine, as the automobile was patented in 1886, slightly after the events of Phantom of the Opera.

So, why was Vampire Ratboy stopping massive technological progress? Because he was raised by rats. Yup. No tragic disfiguring accident for our phantom, boys and girls. He just was mad about what those monsters did to Uncle Algernon.

(I assume that Uncle Algernon would have been disappointed at the evilness of his adopted nephew. He didn't defeat a single nutcracker and ruin Christmas; nor did he successfully do battle with Basil of Baker Street; nor did he poop in anyone's cupboards--thus, we must conclude that he failed as an evil rat.)

Pretty much, all Vampire Ratboy did was go around flirting in the creepiest possible way with Asia Argento (oh, the irony) and killing any and all anti-Rat people he came across.

But, hey. Replaces "Asia Argento" with "Kristen Stewart" and "anti-Rat" with "non-loser", and you've got yourself a pretty apt description of a major blockbuster franchise.

Phantom of the Opera (1998) Note: another "don't watch till you're 18" movie. A good portion of the movies that I will be reviewing fall into that category. ------------------------------------- No, not the Lon Chaney one. That one is one you should watch. Nor is this the Gerard Butler one that induced my phobia of chandeliers. This is the Dario Argento one, with Julian Sands and Asia Argento. I actually did a mini-review about this one in a rambling some time ago, but here's a more in-depth look at it. Now, for those of you who've read my posts, you know that I'm kinda obsessed with Dario Argento. I consider Deep Red and Suspiria to be two of the most brilliantly filmed movies of all time, and Bird with the Crystal Plummage is a classic. I even like Sleepless. But Mr. Argento kinda took an Adrian Brody-sized nosedive (kudos to all of you who fully appreciate that joke) after making a film called Opera, which some attribute to the MacBeth curse. The lowest point of this nosedive was Phantom of the Opera, a movie that I actually procured because I confused it with Opera. I was, to put it mildly, gobsmacked by what I saw. The most memorable aspect was the rats (which is never a good sign for a movie). For some reason, rats were a major part of the film. "Ratboy: the Story of Julian Sands" would've been a more apt title, as would "Magic: the Gathering Cosplay Convention" (see diagram 1). https://i.imgur.com/7ELuoRx.png Anyways, the rats. Now, one would think that a horror story that has been adapted into not one but two iconic films would have enough thrills to captivate the audience, but we were apparently, mistaken. Not even the addition of a rat subplot made this movie watchable. Yes. A guy makes a rat lawnmower to kill rats in the basement of an operahouse. He eventually dies in a rat lawnmower crash, which was caused by Vampire Ratboy's shenanigans. It should be noted that this crash destroyed what I can only assume was, at the time, the world's first and only self-propelled four wheeled vehicle with a combustion engine, as the automobile was patented in 1886, slightly after the events of Phantom of the Opera. So, why was Vampire Ratboy stopping massive technological progress? Because he was raised by rats. Yup. No tragic disfiguring accident for our phantom, boys and girls. He just was mad about what those monsters did to Uncle Algernon. (I assume that Uncle Algernon would have been disappointed at the evilness of his adopted nephew. He didn't defeat a single nutcracker and ruin Christmas; nor did he successfully do battle with Basil of Baker Street; nor did he poop in anyone's cupboards--thus, we must conclude that he failed as an evil rat.) Pretty much, all Vampire Ratboy did was go around flirting in the creepiest possible way with Asia Argento (oh, the irony) and killing any and all anti-Rat people he came across. But, hey. Replaces "Asia Argento" with "Kristen Stewart" and "anti-Rat" with "non-loser", and you've got yourself a pretty apt description of a major blockbuster franchise.

Closely Watched Trains (1966)

This is going to be a difficult one for me to review, as I watched it in Czech four years ago whilst sleep deprived, and I left part-way through because I had not one, but two intramural basketball games for which to prepare. But I'll do my best-- team clousems has become with quality over the years, and I'll be damned if I throw that away. That being said, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't use the internet for this review.

This movie was about a kid. I don't know his name, so I'll call him Zippy. Zippy worked with trains. He spoke Czech. He didn't seem to care much for a certain group of people wearing uniforms, so I guess it was either set during the Nazi occupation or he just really hated park rangers.
Zippy sees some stuff. He presumably does stuff as well, but I can't verify that.
Eventually, Zippy meets some shorty, whose name similarly eludes me. Zippy and Zippy's Shorty go off to...how should I put this..."dance the premarital polka," as it were, but Zippy's got...plantar fasiciitis (kinda wish I chose a different euphemism), so he can't.
As normally happens when one gets "plantar fasiciitis", Zippy becomes a complete gahdam badass and starts fighting Nazis.
According to imdb, however, it seems as though Zippy goes and blows himself up, which is a bit of a downer.

I give it a rating of four out of four awkwardly worded euphemisms.

Incidentally, this film won an Oscar.

Closely Watched Trains (1966) -------------------- This is going to be a difficult one for me to review, as I watched it in Czech four years ago whilst sleep deprived, and I left part-way through because I had not one, but two intramural basketball games for which to prepare. But I'll do my best-- team clousems has become with quality over the years, and I'll be damned if I throw that away. That being said, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't use the internet for this review. This movie was about a kid. I don't know his name, so I'll call him Zippy. Zippy worked with trains. He spoke Czech. He didn't seem to care much for a certain group of people wearing uniforms, so I guess it was either set during the Nazi occupation or he just really hated park rangers. Zippy sees some stuff. He presumably does stuff as well, but I can't verify that. Eventually, Zippy meets some shorty, whose name similarly eludes me. Zippy and Zippy's Shorty go off to...how should I put this..."dance the premarital polka," as it were, but Zippy's got...plantar fasiciitis (kinda wish I chose a different euphemism), so he can't. As normally happens when one gets "plantar fasiciitis", Zippy becomes a complete gahdam badass and starts fighting Nazis. According to imdb, however, it seems as though Zippy goes and blows himself up, which is a bit of a downer. I give it a rating of four out of four awkwardly worded euphemisms. Incidentally, this film won an Oscar.

Murder Rock: Dancing Death

Have you ever watched Flashdance, and thought to yourself "I like it, but I'd like it better if Friday the 13th threw up on it"?
If so, Murder Rock: Dancing Death is the movie for you!
No discernable plot. No likable characters. Just violence and dance sequences.

5 out of 5 legwarmers.

Murder Rock: Dancing Death Have you ever watched Flashdance, and thought to yourself "I like it, but I'd like it better if Friday the 13th threw up on it"? If so, Murder Rock: Dancing Death is the movie for you! No discernable plot. No likable characters. Just violence and dance sequences. 5 out of 5 legwarmers.

Hands of Steel:
We've all done it: you're watching Terminator II, and you think to yourself "this is nice and all, but I really wish these killer robots were arm-wrestling more".

Luckily, the film "Hands of Steel" is entirely about arm-wrestling terminator robots in a desert.

There's not really much more that needs to be said about it, but I will mention that John Saxon is in the movie and that , at one point, a terminator karate-chops a venomous snake's head off to save his arm-wrestling partner.

Not the best film, but it's still better than that "Cats" movie.

Hands of Steel: We've all done it: you're watching Terminator II, and you think to yourself "this is nice and all, but I really wish these killer robots were arm-wrestling more". Luckily, the film "Hands of Steel" is entirely about arm-wrestling terminator robots in a desert. There's not really much more that needs to be said about it, but I will mention that John Saxon is in the movie and that , at one point, a terminator karate-chops a venomous snake's head off to save his arm-wrestling partner. Not the best film, but it's still better than that "Cats" movie.

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