My poetry throwaways

@Passionate_Player
If you don't prefer dark poems then that's fine, to each their own. Dark, melancholic lyricism and poetry is kinda my style ̄⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠ ̄

Optimism in the end is very effective.
Again, that's subjective. Imo optimism, hope and positivity at the end of dark, melancholic song or poem becomes too much of a cliche. If there were to be something positive, I prefer vain optimism or just utter darkness/melancholy, it gives that uncomfortable, sad feeling to the listner. For e.g Water Fountain by Alec Benjamin or Operator by Jim Croce.

I feel criticism should be objective ykwim.
But nonetheless I respect your opinion :)

@antonyswales907
Wdym ? Care to elaborate?

@Passionate_Player If you don't prefer dark poems then that's fine, to each their own. Dark, melancholic lyricism and poetry is kinda my style ̄⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠ ̄ >Optimism in the end is very effective. Again, that's subjective. Imo optimism, hope and positivity at the end of dark, melancholic song or poem becomes too much of a cliche. If there were to be something positive, I prefer vain optimism or just utter darkness/melancholy, it gives that uncomfortable, sad feeling to the listner. For e.g Water Fountain by Alec Benjamin or Operator by Jim Croce. I feel criticism should be objective ykwim. But nonetheless I respect your opinion :) @antonyswales907 Wdym ? Care to elaborate?

jdwhite42

edited

@Nature_Saviors said in #8:

There are absolutely no punctuation marks at the end of each stanza. And, your life is lucky. You've got a true friend, but this poem expresses doubts against him. It simply shows that you are not thankful for the friend life gave you.
You need to put your true feelings into the poem, thank God for the good friend you have, not put yourself in a sad desolate position where no one is there for you. That is poetry. 2.5.

"you need to put your true feelings into the poem"
....
...
...
...
well i mean he kinda did so i don't really know what you're looking for

maybe he does have a true friend but maybe he feels like he's alone which 100% happens and hey wouldn't you call that true feelings or is that not real enough for you?

@Nature_Saviors said in #8: > There are absolutely no punctuation marks at the end of each stanza. And, your life is lucky. You've got a true friend, but this poem expresses doubts against him. It simply shows that you are not thankful for the friend life gave you. > You need to put your true feelings into the poem, thank God for the good friend you have, not put yourself in a sad desolate position where no one is there for you. That is poetry. 2.5. "you need to put your true feelings into the poem" .... ... ... ... well i mean he kinda did so i don't really know what you're looking for maybe he does have a true friend but maybe he feels like he's alone which 100% happens and hey wouldn't you call that true feelings or is that not real enough for you?

jdwhite42

I agree he could have a better outlook on life/his friendship but maybe that's not what he's feeling right now, ergo, this poem.
I don't think punctuation is a valid argument here and it seems like you're being petty. some poetry has sentences all out of order

I agree he could have a better outlook on life/his friendship but maybe that's not what he's feeling right now, ergo, this poem. I don't think punctuation is a valid argument here and it seems like you're being petty. some poetry has sentences all out of order

jdwhite42

for the poem itself:

I think it's nicely done! However there are some lines that don't flow too well in my opinion (although I am not a poetry guy so take everything I say with a grain of salt)

for example: Viewing our lives through my cynical lens ; oh pardon me !
I get what you're trying to say here, h owever the "oh pardon me" part doesn't seem to fit (correct me if i'm wrong)

again i'm not a poetry guy so i don't understand too well but
"My tearful circumstances and past induce this moral ambiguity"
i'm not sure if moral ambiguity is the right choice of words here (i don't really know what they';re supposed to mean), but it sounds really nice poetically lol

overall the quality is good i might have some objections to the message lol but if we're going based off of quality

i'd say 7.5-8/10

for the poem itself: I think it's nicely done! However there are some lines that don't flow too well in my opinion (although I am not a poetry guy so take everything I say with a grain of salt) for example: Viewing our lives through my cynical lens ; oh pardon me ! I get what you're trying to say here, h owever the "oh pardon me" part doesn't seem to fit (correct me if i'm wrong) again i'm not a poetry guy so i don't understand too well but "My tearful circumstances and past induce this moral ambiguity" i'm not sure if moral ambiguity is the right choice of words here (i don't really know what they';re supposed to mean), but it sounds really nice poetically lol overall the quality is good i might have some objections to the message lol but if we're going based off of quality i'd say 7.5-8/10

ZwischenzugX11

@jdwhite42

"Viewing our lives through my cynical lens ; oh pardon me !
My tearful circumstances and past induce this moral ambiguity
To question all the memories we've shared
To begin to wonder, if you truly cared?"

So basically, I'm telling this person that I've started being cynical of everything they've done in the past and with all the things they've done for me. At the same time, I ask them to forgive me for the same cause maybe it's all the trauma and pain I'm going through rn and all the past pain I've kept within (tearful past) seems to have cause all this and it's not their fault at all.

"moral ambiguity" of questioning everything they've done, revisiting every memory in a cynical view and ask myself if they truly care. Am I right in doing this? is this justified ? to look back at everything with a cynical lens ? or am I just being a terrible friend who doesn't trust someone who's almost always been there during other times ? Am I being careful or am I total jerk? that's the my moral ambiguity. I hope that clarifies it ?
This what I kinda had in mind when I typed it down, again I didn't spend too much on this lol, just wrote it off the top of my head ;)

@jdwhite42 "Viewing our lives through my cynical lens ; oh pardon me ! My tearful circumstances and past induce this moral ambiguity To question all the memories we've shared To begin to wonder, if you truly cared?" So basically, I'm telling this person that I've started being cynical of everything they've done in the past and with all the things they've done for me. At the same time, I ask them to forgive me for the same cause maybe it's all the trauma and pain I'm going through rn and all the past pain I've kept within (tearful past) seems to have cause all this and it's not their fault at all. "moral ambiguity" of questioning everything they've done, revisiting every memory in a cynical view and ask myself if they truly care. Am I right in doing this? is this justified ? to look back at everything with a cynical lens ? or am I just being a terrible friend who doesn't trust someone who's almost always been there during other times ? Am I being careful or am I total jerk? that's the my moral ambiguity. I hope that clarifies it ? This what I kinda had in mind when I typed it down, again I didn't spend too much on this lol, just wrote it off the top of my head ;)

ZwischenzugX11

edited

@jdwhite42

i might have some objections to the message lol

Haha..the subject matter is kinda dark, I agree.

I agree he could have a better outlook on life/his friendship but maybe that's not what he's feeling right now, ergo, this poem.

Well, Ig we all have those moments tho. Sometimes we have this one friend, we can call them our best friend. You regularly hang out, talk about stuff, have fun and share some personal problems kinda more than you have with other friends. But then there's always this question of "can I tell them everything?", "can I actually be vulnerable and tell them what's truly going on?"

And then your mind, begins to think about everything you've talked about and the things you've done together and then when you let too much of the intrusive thoughts set-in. Then comes stuff like "was it just for company, was it just a surface friendship, would they care when I truly open up without compartmentalization ? are they really my best friend? Your mind goes to the time they maybe left you on read (accidentally maybe, but your mind will come up with the worst scenarios first), or ignored texts and calls for a day or two but when you meet them next week or smth it's all like nothing ever happened, but while contemplating this, your mind generally takes the cynical route. Classic overthinking ;)
so yeah, maybe I'm just the bad friend yk.....

Anyway , that's what the poem is about

@jdwhite42 > i might have some objections to the message lol Haha..the subject matter is kinda dark, I agree. >I agree he could have a better outlook on life/his friendship but maybe that's not what he's feeling right now, ergo, this poem. Well, Ig we all have those moments tho. Sometimes we have this one friend, we can call them our best friend. You regularly hang out, talk about stuff, have fun and share some personal problems kinda more than you have with other friends. But then there's always this question of "can I tell them everything?", "can I actually be vulnerable and tell them what's truly going on?" And then your mind, begins to think about everything you've talked about and the things you've done together and then when you let too much of the intrusive thoughts set-in. Then comes stuff like "was it just for company, was it just a surface friendship, would they care when I truly open up without compartmentalization ? are they really my best friend? Your mind goes to the time they maybe left you on read (accidentally maybe, but your mind will come up with the worst scenarios first), or ignored texts and calls for a day or two but when you meet them next week or smth it's all like nothing ever happened, but while contemplating this, your mind generally takes the cynical route. Classic overthinking ;) so yeah, maybe I'm just the bad friend yk..... Anyway , that's what the poem is about

RioMussignao edited

Dear Mister Zwischenzug,

You might take note of the following grand poet.
I don't know his name, but he's pretty good.

Sonne"

Eins, zwei, drei, vier, fünf, sechs, sieben, acht, neun, aus

Alle warten auf das Licht
Fürchtet euch, fürchtet euch nicht
Die Sonne scheint mir aus den Augen
Sie wird heut' Nacht nicht untergehen
Und die Welt zählt laut bis zehn

Eins
Hier kommt die Sonne
Zwei
Hier kommt die Sonne
Drei
Sie ist der hellste Stern von allen
Vier
Hier kommt die Sonne

Die Sonne scheint mir aus den Händen
Kann verbrennen, kann euch blenden
Wenn sie aus den Fäusten bricht
Legt sich heiß auf das Gesicht
Sie wird heut' Nacht nicht untergehen
Und die Welt zählt laut bis zehn

Eins
Hier kommt die Sonne
Zwei
Hier kommt die Sonne
Drei
Sie ist der hellste Stern von allen
Vier
Hier kommt die Sonne
Fünf
Hier kommt die Sonne
Sechs
Hier kommt die Sonne
Sieben
Sie ist der hellste Stern von allen
Acht, neun
Hier kommt die Sonne

Die Sonne scheint mir aus den Händen
Kann verbrennen, kann dich blenden
Wenn sie aus den Fäusten bricht
Legt sich heiß auf dein Gesicht
Legt sich schmerzend auf die Brust
Das Gleichgewicht wird zum Verlust
Lässt sich hart zu Boden gehen
Und die Welt zählt laut bis zehn

Eins
Hier kommt die Sonne
Zwei
Hier kommt die Sonne
Drei
Sie ist der hellste Stern von allen
Vier
Und wird nie vom Himmel fallen
Fünf
Hier kommt die Sonne
Sechs
Hier kommt die Sonne
Sieben
Sie ist der hellste Stern von allen
Acht, neun
Hier kommt die Sonne

Dear Mister Zwischenzug, You might take note of the following grand poet. I don't know his name, but he's pretty good. Sonne" Eins, zwei, drei, vier, fünf, sechs, sieben, acht, neun, aus Alle warten auf das Licht Fürchtet euch, fürchtet euch nicht Die Sonne scheint mir aus den Augen Sie wird heut' Nacht nicht untergehen Und die Welt zählt laut bis zehn Eins Hier kommt die Sonne Zwei Hier kommt die Sonne Drei Sie ist der hellste Stern von allen Vier Hier kommt die Sonne Die Sonne scheint mir aus den Händen Kann verbrennen, kann euch blenden Wenn sie aus den Fäusten bricht Legt sich heiß auf das Gesicht Sie wird heut' Nacht nicht untergehen Und die Welt zählt laut bis zehn Eins Hier kommt die Sonne Zwei Hier kommt die Sonne Drei Sie ist der hellste Stern von allen Vier Hier kommt die Sonne Fünf Hier kommt die Sonne Sechs Hier kommt die Sonne Sieben Sie ist der hellste Stern von allen Acht, neun Hier kommt die Sonne Die Sonne scheint mir aus den Händen Kann verbrennen, kann dich blenden Wenn sie aus den Fäusten bricht Legt sich heiß auf dein Gesicht Legt sich schmerzend auf die Brust Das Gleichgewicht wird zum Verlust Lässt sich hart zu Boden gehen Und die Welt zählt laut bis zehn Eins Hier kommt die Sonne Zwei Hier kommt die Sonne Drei Sie ist der hellste Stern von allen Vier Und wird nie vom Himmel fallen Fünf Hier kommt die Sonne Sechs Hier kommt die Sonne Sieben Sie ist der hellste Stern von allen Acht, neun Hier kommt die Sonne

SerenaSen_12

10/10!!! Your English is very nice :]

SerenaSen_12

Why don't you publish it! You can be famous around the entire world! :)

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